There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
