You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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