how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
