Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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