my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
