I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize