Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
