Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
