I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
