It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
