Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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