I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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