Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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