saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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