Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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