Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
