My friends, they love my intelligence
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize