John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
