OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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