Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
