I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
