you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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