she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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