the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
