I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
