We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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