I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
