why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
