No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
