am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
