Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Randomize
