I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
