i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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