I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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