haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
