I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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