Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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