My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you win again, gameday.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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