I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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