see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
