I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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