jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
