I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
