I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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