Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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