Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
