peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
