My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
