swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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