I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
