I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
