I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
