1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
