A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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