Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
