We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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