Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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