Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
