do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
