i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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