ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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