Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
