I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
